hotel room ftw
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
