Pants 0. Shit 1.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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