I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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