My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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