I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
