I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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