bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
