as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
