Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
