He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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