tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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