i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
