Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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