i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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