Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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