Who wears a wallet chain?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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