I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The Olympian is in my bed
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