dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
