I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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