i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
