smell my finger.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
