break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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