he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
