Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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