Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
