Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
