The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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