Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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