Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
