david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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