Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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