ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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