Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
