Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
