Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize