jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
