He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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