Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
