I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
