this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
