Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
