Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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