I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
