and she was petting her beer can
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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