Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
