I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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