Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
