I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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