I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I did not marry a roomba.
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