whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
