At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
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Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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