Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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