Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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