Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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