woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
