yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
