we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
