I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
