I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
