SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
