I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
