My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
