There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
