she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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