I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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