Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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