hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
