ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
