My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
