Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
